Wednesday, March 22, 2006

YOU'RE GOING TO PUT THAT WHERE??


colonoscopy.jpg
Originally uploaded by stymie924.
Well folks, friends and family, I went and had the old colon examined yesterday... First things first, I am all clear and have a nice big healthy colon.

The day started off with me laying on the couch with Leo--unable to sleep. I was pretty nervous with the effects of the previous day's prep still rumbling down below. Leo an I lounged on the couch for a couple of hours in the early morning. I was debating whether I should take him to his momma for a little ealry morning feed while I jump in the shower and have another in a series of anxiety attacks... I opted for the shower.

At around 8:15 our preacher and good friend Susannah showed up to care for Leo. We ran through his routine, etc... while I continued to worry and fight the unbelievable urge to run to the bathroom. Why am I so worried? I wasn't worried the day before, or the day before that. I was pretty well settled that everything was going to be fine. Now? Who knows... Anything could happen. I run through all possibilities--one of them involved the doctor coming in after the procedure and showing me a strange piece of hardware. "We found this. I'm not really sure what it is. It coould be an alien probe of some kind. We're sending you to the Jet Propulsion Lab for further analysis. Don't bother getting dressed."

9:00 we arrive to check in and I look around the waiting room. I am the youngest person there by about 25 years. Everyone has the same look of dread and impending discomfort. Some people are clearly there under the duress of their spouse. One older man, as he is being escorted back is asked, "How are you feeling today?" he replies, "Don't know yet..."

At about 9:30 my patient beeper thing goes off (sort of like what they give you at Red Lobster) and I am taken back to where the magic happens. The admitting nurse is amazed at my vitality as I sprint around the corner. I explain that it's all an act, I just want to get this over with. She replies that she hears that a lot.

An IV is administered despite my freakishly small veins. They ask another series of embarrassing questions and then I am wheeled into the "chamber." When the doctor comes in, a gentle looking Chinese man, he remarks, "My god, you're just a baby! What are you DOING here?" I am asking myself the same question when the nurse asks me how much sedation I prefer. Are you kidding? I want TOTAL SENSORY DEPRIVATION!!! I am watching as she injects something into my IV. She has a knowing smirk on her face. While I am waiting to feel comfrtably numb, I look over and see the endoscope being "prepped" and I wonder, just how much of that long bastard are they going to stick up there? I am pondering the possibility of perferation when I am suddenly semi-alert in the recovery room. I guess it's all over! Mandy is there looking alternately embarrassed and as if she is sick from laughing. Apparently I shouted "Far out man! Far Fucking Out!" as I was coming out of the anesthesia. I then cut loose a barrage of roaring farts that would have blown the walls off an abrams tank--which prompted a feeble "Bravo" from one of the nurses in the recovery area. The Doctor eventually comes in and gives me the whole play by play which culminates in an "ALL CLEAR!" He says I shouldn't need to come back until I am 50. I couldn't be happier.

I spend the rest of the day in a relative daze--but somehow manage to put together a portfolio for a prospective client. Go figure. Anyway, here's to good colon health!!

1 comment:

Aunt Marg said...

Well Told !!!!!!