Wednesday, February 15, 2006

WHAT'S THE POOP?

Well, due to some recent dodgie-ness in the old tum tum, I had to make a visit to my friendly neighborhood doc this afternoon where I underwent a somewhat humiliating examination... It turns out I have to have a colonoscopy. That's right, some doctor is going to have to snake a camera up the old laundry shoot to see if there's anything up there that shouldn't be. Needless to say, I am somewhat terrified.

First, a thing about me and doctors. I have always been just a FREAK when it comes to visiting a doctor. I don't know why... I take that back, I DO know why. It's because I am a raging hypochondriac. It's somewhat better since I've gotten older, but I still turn into a giant toddler when it comes to going to the doctor. One thing, those little gowns they give you?? What purpose does this useless garment serve? It's pitifully inadequate to keep you warm and it hides NOTHING. Plus, they make you leave it open in the back so you look like an idiot. Try acting cool with one of those things on. Also, I am such a fat-arse that it probably wouldn't have even been able to tie closed--even if I had had someone there with me who wasn't totally repulsed or doubled over with laughter to tie it. I hate it...

So anyway, the doc says that the big "C" is pretty far down on her list but that it is, nonetheless, something they have to rule out. We'll see. I am, as ever, an eternal optimist. I just keep thinking about those movies where the main character gets cancer and dies and everyone is sad but ultimately able to get on with their lives. Think TERMS OF ENDEARMENT or BRIAN'S SONG or LOVE STORY, the list goes on. I don't know what is in store for me. I hope this will just be another "procedure" that ultimately leads nowhere scary. Still, I keep thinking worst-case scenario--which just sucks because we have a new baby. I don't want the first years of my son's life to be about him watching me wither and die--which is probably what sent me to the doctor in the first place. I don't know... Mandy is totally tired of hearing me whine and wax maudlin over this stuff. She has enough on her plate to have to deal with her idiot husband's hypochondriosis. So, in short, stay tuned. I'm sure I'll have a lot to write about in the near future!

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh, you know I sympathize with every word you've written, as a person who was convinced an infected spider bite was lymphoma.

Can't wait to read the posting about the colonoscopy...

Kristi

blogalarm said...

James--You are STILL a hypochondriac. You already have the whole movie worked out in your head. I'm sure your friends and admirers would love to hear about how we had to chase you down in the doctor's office when you were a kid, just to take a white count.
Any upcoming doctor's visit was always preceded by your piercing screams of "DO I HAVE TO GET A WHITE COUNT?"
As Ahnold said in "Kindergarten Cop", "It's NOT a Tooomah."
We love you and look forward to additional entertaining descriptions of your journeys through the halls of medicine for many years to come. Apologize to Mandy for making her listen to your wild speculations, go get that colonoscopy, and stop worrying until you have something to worry about. Love and kisses,
Mama

aunt marg said...

james-i wrote earlier but my computer crashed mid-sending of comment. didn't want you to think i could let this one go by unnoticed. i am going to shorten my lesson to you today and just say: enjoy your family , enjoy your
work, and know we all love you. you don't want to waste these magical days with your family/friends and all that you hold dear--when there is no reason to. its time you can't get back.. all--just think about this--because you are scared of the unknown.
we all are and that's okay--it is what makes us get tests done when needed etc. but please james, try to put this test is perspective. with what you and mandy have been through these last few months isn't it just possible that could be why you are having tummy trouble. Love,aunt marg