WHAT'S THE POOP?

Well, due to some recent dodgie-ness in the old tum tum, I had to make a visit to my friendly neighborhood doc this afternoon where I underwent a somewhat humiliating examination... It turns out I have to have a colonoscopy. That's right, some doctor is going to have to snake a camera up the old laundry shoot to see if there's anything up there that shouldn't be. Needless to say, I am somewhat terrified.

First, a thing about me and doctors. I have always been just a FREAK when it comes to visiting a doctor. I don't know why... I take that back, I DO know why. It's because I am a raging hypochondriac. It's somewhat better since I've gotten older, but I still turn into a giant toddler when it comes to going to the doctor. One thing, those little gowns they give you?? What purpose does this useless garment serve? It's pitifully inadequate to keep you warm and it hides NOTHING. Plus, they make you leave it open in the back so you look like an idiot. Try acting cool with one of those things on. Also, I am such a fat-arse that it probably wouldn't have even been able to tie closed--even if I had had someone there with me who wasn't totally repulsed or doubled over with laughter to tie it. I hate it...

So anyway, the doc says that the big "C" is pretty far down on her list but that it is, nonetheless, something they have to rule out. We'll see. I am, as ever, an eternal optimist. I just keep thinking about those movies where the main character gets cancer and dies and everyone is sad but ultimately able to get on with their lives. Think TERMS OF ENDEARMENT or BRIAN'S SONG or LOVE STORY, the list goes on. I don't know what is in store for me. I hope this will just be another "procedure" that ultimately leads nowhere scary. Still, I keep thinking worst-case scenario--which just sucks because we have a new baby. I don't want the first years of my son's life to be about him watching me wither and die--which is probably what sent me to the doctor in the first place. I don't know... Mandy is totally tired of hearing me whine and wax maudlin over this stuff. She has enough on her plate to have to deal with her idiot husband's hypochondriosis. So, in short, stay tuned. I'm sure I'll have a lot to write about in the near future!