Friday, January 26, 2007

NOT SO FAST

Well fuck... I believe I may have mentioned a thing or two in my last post about Mandy being pregnant. Well, she isn't anymore... She had what we found out was an ectopic pregnancy as seen here in the above image. Last week she went in for a routine checkup with the midwife and FOOM! Next thing I know I am in the recovery room comforting my wife after surgery to remove the pregnancy.

That was exactly a week ago. I haven't felt much like doing anything this week really, let alone posting on some stupid blog. The big plans we were making about selling our house and moving into a bigger house are now a million miles away. I have been trying to help out as much as possible--housework and daddy overdrive. It has been a challenge--especially since Mandy can't pick Leo up for aw while. There is a lot of tension. I think both of us are struggling with feelings that have only just started to rise to the surface.

For me, I am feeling incredibly guilty. Guilty because it took me so long to even come to a place where I was the least bit excited about having another child, and now... It's like I willed this to happen somehow (I, mean I know I didn't, but...) I think about how long we tried to have our first baby and all the sacrifices that we made to make that happen. I think about how spectacularly selfish I am sometimes and how I can be so blind to the blessings that are right in front of me. The air is thick with what might have been that sometimes it closes on me so tight that I can't breathe. If I am feeling all of this, you can imagine how Mandy feels...

I should point out however that there is a very HUGE silver lining in all of this. We can still get pregnant again. We just have to make sure that Mandy is monitored closely. Apparently, and surprisingly, ectopic pregnancies are pretty common in IVF patients. We just have to be careful... We are also talking about how we feel and we're healing some. Mandy has more physical healing to do, obviously. I will continue to try and help as much as I can.

Through it all, Leo continues to be our greatest source of joy. Even when he is playing in the toilet and pulling all of the books off the shelves and refusing to sit in his car seat... He is still the greatest and most amazing joy in our lives. I look at him and I simply disappear--like I am ether and I am just right there floating in the moment. It sounds like some kind of bullshit daddy dearest stuff I know, but I can't help it. Anyway,... Life goes on. Thank God, it does go on...

1 comment:

aunt marg said...

James--beautifully posted for such a heartbreaking and frightening event..i am so glad you and mandy are talking about the pain and whatever else is making it so you "can't breathe" as i am sure she has that going on also--along with the physcial healing. My heart goes out to you both and yet I am so very proud of you both...You have both shown so much strength these last couple of years and --yes --if you ever need reminding whether there is anything good going on--take a little glance at Leo......its going on right under your nose......aunt marg